Life, at times, leaves me speechless.
The moments, when i'll find my words back , i'm going to keep records here.
Some things i will share, some things will remain hidden in my mind.
So if you like, join my own funky way to look at the bright side of life.
Everything inside my circle starts to overflow. Have i lost my way?
It seems as if had been yesterday that i was dancing like a butterfly in the summerlight.
But that's simply not true. It was not yesterday. Not even the day before yesterday.
Honestly it's quite some time ago. I don't remember, when things exit my control.
When my own little world set out to become a mad trip on a roller coaster.
I was always a person who was prone to tears. Somebody told me once i'm a real senti.
Still i could live with this attribute. For me it just rendered my ability to show emotions.
That's not such a bad thing itself, if one can handle it and don't fall into the morass
of sadness and grief.
Naturally phases of anguish and agony last for a certain time..maybe one or two hrs.
Naturally...
That didn't apply for me though. Certainly i had many considerable reasons for feeling depressed.
One always has, isn't it? No job, no money, due to that no entertainment, lingering around at home and watching the fly buzzing at the window.
And here i stand now...with a big rod in my hand, trying to catch these dreams which just
slipped off my hands. Hush..and off we are. I feel as if they are making fun out me,
laughing their guts about my ridiculous efforts to get hold of them.
What an amazing situation!
Days are passing by sluggishly. Watching the hands of time doesn't ramp up seconds, minutes, hours.
Things tend to happen fast, only if you are in a happy state of mind.
But woe betide you, if you are already feeling dejected, sad and tired.
Then everything around seems to follow the slow motion principle.
What makes things worse is, that if you just think, you have solved one problem, the next, bigger one, pops up, jumps in front of you, like Bugs Bunny on the stage, grinning brightly and yelling loudly in your ear: "Tadaaaaa! Here i am! "
You had no time to prepare yourself for it, not to mention, you have expected it to come to an existence at all. Honestly you have considered yourself as save, thought, everything else can happen to you, just not that.
But it does.
With a sardonic smile, its focusing on you and before you could even recover from the shock, it has already dragged you along. Within a second you find yourself in a maelstrom of panic and fears.
Before you just had to deal with a constant sadness, but this is different.
Now you might feel, as if you loose your footings.
Little by little you are getting your brain together again and it even seems to work.
Thinking processes take over, scanning the scenario for a starting point.
Oops..error detected.
That's how it will continue for some time. Due to several reasons the screening fails.
Most probably it's going to stuck at the same point again and again.
In the meantime your brain has already popped out the usual questions. All starting with the same alphabet.
W is equal to When, Where, What, and most and for all: WHY?!
The last one is extremely perfidy. It's like a worm in an apple, it digs your mind deeper and deeper, slowly but steadily. Until there is just an empty space left. No way to stop it, as you won't figure an answer for it.
'Whys' are extremely dangerous. My suggestion: If you come across a 'why', pull up your socks and run for your life!
After you have realized, the 'why' is going to cause you one or the other problem, you possibly turn towards those questions, which occur more simple to answer.
You might struggle with those also, as none of them, which continue to torture your mind, is actually meant to be answered by yourself, but by somebody else. In fact the only option you have is guessing, what, frankly spoken, makes matters worse. Guessing will automatically lead to more guessing and you may enter a circuit, which leaves you with no exit. It's just dashing you around and around. New facts come in, which raise new questions and new guessing. Just the one, who could bring some light into this riddle, keeps quiet.
Slowly, slowly you feel yourself transforming into a drama queen. You can't stop crying, you feel lonely and the permanent speculations about what is hidden in somebody's mind and what you are not able to figure out, wears you down. Additional to this you gave up eating completely, because you consider it as not essential and a waste of time. The same applies for sleeping. It just diverts you from thinking and if you are honest to yourself, you have to admit, you seriously regard it as a well deserved punishment, for all the mistakes you did, even if you are clueless, where you had been so terribly wrong in your actions. But there must be some truth in it right? Otherwise it would not happen to you. Would it?
Yay! Here we go! Trapped in more questions!
Your entire world has been turned upside down. In a worst case scenario, you fall seriously ill over this and you doctor surprises you with some more little nightmares. Shocked and scared, you may look for the one, whom you used to turn to in such situations, the one, who was always with you, the one, who was always there to take care and kept holding you tight. The one, who was telling you fairy tales or sang songs to sooth you. You rise your face and take a closer look to the storm, which rants inside and around you..will you find, what you are looking for? And if you do, will it be too late then?
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System shuts down....
